H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.