If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.