I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
relationship goals
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants