I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
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Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
You deplete me
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy