ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
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See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
choose your fighter
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I love twitter
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: