ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
You Might Also Like
I missed you with all my darts
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Breaking news:
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”