[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
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[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.