To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.