sugar glider wrangler
![]()
You Might Also Like
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
![]()
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
![]()
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.