My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
You Might Also Like
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Tastes like chicken.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.