my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Tuesday
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Woke up against my better judgment again
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.