Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Every time my phone rings
it鈥檚 time for sharks to evolve again. it鈥檚 been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven鈥檚 breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I鈥檓 making La Croix
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Omg 馃ぃ
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I鈥檓 much older now though
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.