You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]