All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.