When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.