I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Oh, I bet you would be
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.