You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Saw your ex at the shops
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.