“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.