I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
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I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
the simulation is moving too fast
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”