Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.