Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.