I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
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I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Is your wife single?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Every house has this drawer
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.