1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
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Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
at ease…shoulder.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Basketball games are very squeaky.