I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo