Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
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Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Tammy is short for Tamuel
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands