My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
🤣😈🤣
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
A small tragedy.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”