I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.