coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
As the Lord intended
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…