instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Traveler’s camo
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason