Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it鈥檚 better not risk it.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Nailed it!馃憞馃徎馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槅
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I鈥檓 driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25垄 I鈥檝e ever spent.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
DATE鈥橲 FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don鈥檛 think you underst-
ME: Launch馃憦pad馃憦Mc馃憦Quack馃憦
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently