My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
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I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.