how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
You Might Also Like
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.