WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?