Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.