Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?