still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce