Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.