Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.