Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Well, this explains it:
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
awkward
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.