[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Start the year as you intend to continue.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.