Holy crap this is wonderful
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bout dat hot dog summer
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Who’s your best friend?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].