Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
You Might Also Like
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Just had my nails done!
Ugh but profoundly
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I already tried new things thanks.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.