*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me