Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC