FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.