The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin