I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.