When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
congratulations to them
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*