Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My life in a nutshell
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
¯_(ツ)_/¯
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.