Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.